Adolescents, Depression, Suicide, and other troubling trends

Here's a recent article from the Atlantic on teenage suicides in Palo Alto. It got me thinking about my own students and about the stresses that teenagers in high achieving, competitive urban schools face. In the last few years, I've seen a number of students suffer from different mental illnesses: depression, self-harming, anxiety, eating disorders, and even thoughts of suicide. I've often wondered whether the pace and the level of stimulation that I deal with at my current school is sustainable -- on many occasions, I've thought that we humans are not designed to do so much and to hold ourselves to such high expectations. It's just too exhausting.

Here are some of the issues that I think affect teens (and perhaps adults as well).

1. Over stimulation or Hyper stimulation: There are only so many hours in a day and there is only so much that our minds and our bodies can absorb and deal with on a daily basis. When we have days of non-stop activity, coupled with information overload and incessant sensory stimulation, our bodies and brains become over-stressed. If this continues on a daily basis without breaks, then our bodies and brains literally fray and break down.
Possible antidotes: Limit technology, more time to do nothing (down time), more time in nature, more quiet time and rest

2. Loneliness and Isolation: With parents working longer hours and spending more time on laptops and phones, kids are increasingly disconnected from their parents. Our kids need real conversations, close conversations, with their parents. They need to feel loved, cared for, and valued -- not just for their grades and their performances, but for who they are as people. I have too many students who feel isolated from everyone -- they don't feel close to their parents, and they don't have a close network of friends whom they can really trust. As parents, we can't solve their friendship problems, but we can be there for them to let them know that they are loved.
Possible antidotes: Put away those phones and spend time talking and relaxing with your kids. Stay close to your children, and make sure that grandparents and extended family members are around as well. Maybe also get a pet.

3. Pressure, competition, and a deep sense of  inadequacy: My students often tell me that they feel stressed and anxious about grades and college admissions; they feel as though they're working as hard as they possibly can, and yet they're still not getting the grades that they want (or that their parents want). Much of this pressure is self-inflicted - it's not necessarily coming from the school or from the parents -- but the fact is that kids are feeling it. And often they feel it intensely.
Possible antidotes: Conversations to help kids keep things in perspective. Mindfulness, yoga, and time in nature  -- all ways to help teens recenter and think about what is really important.

4. Exhaustion: When I walk into my twelfth grade classes, my students inevitably look exhausted. When I cheerily ask them how they're doing, their response is almost always, "We're so tired." They never seem to get enough sleep. Whether this is because of the work load, or because of social media/gaming/ and other distractions, the fact of the matter is that a lack of sleep is clearly correlated with mood disorders. Our kids need sleep. And we need to make sure that they eat and sleep in healthy ways.

When I feel the pressure and pace of life in Singapore wear me down, I often wonder if it's healthy for kids to grow up in environments where the bar is set so high -- too high, perhaps. Maybe if we all do less, and worry less about doing everything so spectacularly well, we will all be happier? Sometimes I watch my students -- their exhaustion, their stress -- and I contemplate moving out of the city to the mountains. I don't think that our bodies and minds are built for the high tech, competitive, fast-paced, urban lifestyle that we've created for ourselves. I think that our biology and psychology are at odds with the world we've created, and the costs of this misalignment can be very high indeed.

The Choices Moms Make - Part 2

I recently wrote this post about the Mom Wars, or the tension that exists between working moms and stay-at-home moms. And this is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, particularly as I'm investing increasing amounts of time in my own career and finding that I have less time to actively parent my own children.

Here are some scenarios I've encountered in my teaching career:

A few years ago, I had a student who was terribly depressed. Despite being a bright and creative kid, this boy practically failed my class and most of his other classes. He often looked sick to me -- he coughed a lot, he often put his head down in class and zoned out, and he once told me that he suffered from deep anxiety. Despite numerous email exchanges with his mom, I never once met her in person. She and her husband both had jobs where they travelled extensively, and neither of them was ever at home with their son. So, he spent his time with his laptop and his ipad. The housekeeper made sure he was fed, but beyond that, he was left to his own devices (pun intended).

I remember thinking, quite judgmentally (and perhaps unfairly?), that if he were my son, I would have quit work and stayed at home to help him. He needed his mom. Who knows what the situation in the family was like. All I could tell, from my vantage point, was that this kid needed a whole lot more care than he was getting.

And here's another scenario - but a different one.

Some years ago, when I was teaching in Boston at a very elite all-girls school, I had a mom call me up and tell me that her daughter, who was in my advisory group, was trying out for a part in the school play and "she just had to get that part because her self-esteem was very low, and not getting that part would be devastating for her." I explained to the mom that I had nothing to do with the drama department, and that they would pick the girl who deserved the role most.  The mom argued with me vehemently, and finally threw a veiled threat at me: "We've given the school a lot of money. And if you really want to help my daughter, you certainly can." I was shaken. So I told my principal. She shook her head, sighed, and then declared, "That woman really needs a job!"

I agreed. Some moms live through their children in a way that it destructive for the mom, for the kids, and for everyone else involved.

So, coming back to the question I posed earlier: What's a mom to do?

There are obviously no right or easy answers here. But perhaps we women need to introspect deeply about the choices we make so that we can be the best possible mothers and also feel really good about ourselves. At different stages in our children's lives, and in our own lives, we may need to make different choices. Sometimes, mothering may need to take center stage. And at other times, work and outside interests may need to take center stage. Mothering in the 21st century is a balancing act in every sense of the word, and striking the right balance is never easy.

The Mom Wars Revisited: The Choices We Make

A conversation in a group of working moms from a recent party:

One mom says, "Oh, Gosh, those housewives. I swear, they have nothing better to do. They love creating more unnecessary work for working moms. They always want to organize more volunteer events at school, more class parties, more social events, more playdates. I can't stand it!"
The other working moms in the group laughed and commiserated about how they have so much to do at work and so little time or patience for stay-at-home moms. I found myself laughing at this mom's outrage, despite my own appreciation for all the volunteer work that so many class moms do. Truth be told, I often find myself scrambling to keep up with the moms who are very involved at school, and my kids keep complaining that I don't volunteer in their classrooms.

And another conversation with a friend of mine, a stay-at-home-mom with two kids.

My friend says, "I love having time with my own kids. This time when they're young is so precious, and it's so fulfilling to be able to be there for them and raise them well. I really don't know how XXX, (a working mom with long hours and a job that includes travel) does it. I would find it so difficult if I had so little time with my kids." I nodded - honestly, I would also find a job with really long hours and lots of travel very challenging. In fact, I often find it challenging to balance parenting with my own job, which has decent hours and no travel.

I've thought a lot about the dilemmas that mothers in busy urban centers contend with. If they stay-at-home with their kids, they risk feeling undervalued, dependent, and marginalized by their peers  and their spouses who work. They may feel as though they lack intellectual stimulation, and they may begin to lose confidence in their own abilities. Their world may shrink, in some sense of the word.

On the other hand, if they work full-time, they spend much less time with their own children, and they risk feeling guilty about the costs to their kids. Particularly if the kids are struggling in some way -- either emotionally, behaviorally, or academically. The fact of the matter is that kids do benefit from time with their parents, and whether we want to admit it or not, children -- infants, toddlers, young kids and even teens -- need large chunks of time with their mothers.

So what's a mom to do?

The fact of the matter is that there are very real costs to whatever decision a woman makes when she has kids. And at present, society exacerbates and intensifies these dilemmas in the following ways:

- It undervalues caregiving roles, which tend to be private and non self-promotional -- so women (and men) who spend their lives caring for others are devalued and exploited.

- It overvalues "public" roles -- so men (and women) who work in the public realm get far more credit, praise, and positive reinforcement from society than those who don't.

- It doesn't expect dads to pull their weight on the home front, so overwhelmingly, working women still have to contend with the second shift, where they come home and immediately move into the mom role. Most of the working women I know, even the ones who are super successful, still end up being the primary parent-in-charge of things such as supervising homework and putting kids to bed. If the mom can't do it, then it's left to the nanny.

- It promotes the myth that the woman can do it all and no one will suffer - not the mom herself, not her kids, not her family. This just isn't true. Women who work full-time and take care of their kids feel chronically overwhelmed and exhausted, particularly when the kids are young. Furthermore, infants and toddlers and even older kids often suffer when their moms aren't around enough. They need "quantity time" together, not just occasional "quality time."

So can a mom do it all without any costs? Not really. Here's Anne-Marie Slaughter's wonderful essay on the myth of moms having it all.

Why Don't Kids in Singapore Read?

As I'm wrapping up with the school term, I'm also gearing up to publicize my new book, Beyond the Tiger Mom: East-West Parenting for the Global Age. Today, I spoke with Michelle Martin on 938 Live (Singapore) about my book; the conversation will be aired soon on her show WOW: Women of Worth.

One of the things we talked about was the lack of a reading culture in Singapore. Why don't families here prioritize reading? If Singapore really wants to be an intellectual nation, then reading has to be at the center of children's lives.

Why aren't kids reading? Well, for one thing, the exam system doesn't reward reading for pleasure, so some parents see free reading as an indulgence instead of a necessity. The benefits of reading aren't immediately apparent, and they aren't easily quantifiable and measurable. But that doesn't mean they don't exist.

But, on the bright side, I've met a lot of wonderful people in Singapore who are working hard to change the way families think about reading. Michelle has a talk show called "Talking Books with Michelle," and the National Book Council runs a number of reading-related events including the annual Asian Festival of Children's Content (AFCC), which celebrates Asian children's literature. And the libraries on the island are fantastic.

So I'm optimistic. There's so much great children's literature out there, and there are a whole host of promising new Asian writers, so hopefully, families will begin to see the value of reading. I honestly can't imagine my life and my home without books. They have enriched my life so much, and they are so central to everything I do. As an educator, inspiring kids to love reading is a central part of my job. And creating a reading culture in my home is one of the most pleasurable aspects of parenting. Anna Quindlen captured my feelings beautifully when she said, "Books are the plane, and the train, and the road. They are the destination and the journey. They are home."

Children's Books 2015 and why we still need fiction

Wanted to share the New York Times Notable Children's Books for 2015. Some good holiday reading!

Also, I recently read this post on EdWeek about how American schools are teaching more non-fiction and less fiction. While I love non-fiction, and I'm all for kids reading a wide range of genres and building their knowledge base, I don't like the idea of sacrificing fiction.

Why do our kids still need fiction?
Because, most importantly, it helps us understand what it means to be human.

Here's what I say in Beyond the Tiger Mom:

Books, stories, and poetry are part of our shared humanity; they help us understand and make sense of the human experience. Across time and place, in a wide range of languages, humans have been telling stories, crafting poems, singing songs, and expressing their deepest feelings and fears through the spoken and written word. While our technologies and lifestyles may have changed unrecognizably over the last millennia, the words of Kabir and Kalidas, Li Bao and Cao Xueqin, Milton and Shakespeare still resonate today – a broken heart then is not unlike a broken heart now; the ache and longing of love one thousand years ago is much the same as the ache and longing of love today.

I have so many memories of intense and moving reading experiences as a child and a teenager. I remember clearly my induction into the world of readers. One hot summer in Chennai, when I was almost seven years old, the sun filtered through the leaves of the mango tree outside our house and glinted off the pages of my book. I sat with my back against the trunk of the tree, reading each page with studied concentration. I held my breath, my heart pounding in my chest, as I wondered whether or not Joe, Beth and Frannie would ever escape from the clutches of Dame Snap. The children had climbed up the ladder to one of the magical lands at the top of the Faraway tree, and they had, unfortunately, gotten trapped in a terrible land.  Would they find their way out? Every day that summer, I retreated to the shade of the mango tree and read. Every night, I fell asleep dreaming about magical lands and fantastical adventures. By the end of my summer vacation, I had finished reading The Folk of the Faraway Tree, my first chapter book, and I had become a reader.

Now, as a parent and teacher, I feel a sense of deja-vu as I watch my own children and students enter the world of books and stories. When my eight year old son laughs out loud as he reads about the terrible fate of Augustus Gloop, that “big fat nincompoop” in Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I am reminded of the humor and laughter of childhood reading. When my five year old daughter begs me to read her one more chapter from Charlotte’s Web, I am reminded of the way books draw us into their worlds, allowing us to imagine all kinds of possibilities. And when one of my ninth graders clutches The Kite Runner tightly in his hands and tells me that he has never loved a book so much, I am reminded again of the power of books and words to move us, literally, to tears.

As a parent, there are plenty of reasons to surround your child with books and provide your child with the space and time to read, read, read. When you see your son or daughter curled up in bed with a book, don’t dismiss it as a waste of time. That time is precious. Your child is learning more than you know.

7 Life Lessons: What I've Learned Along the Way

Here's a letter I wrote to for my students who graduated. I miss them!

Life’s Lessons: A letter to my students

Graduations remind me of diving boards: parents and teachers become spectators, waiting to see each student jump, spring, and dive into “adulthood” and the “real world.” And we teachers believe, perhaps naively, that we’ve prepared you for the real world. We’ve given you formulas and algorithms, we’ve introduced you to Orwell and Bronte, we’ve taught you about wars and revolutions, we’ve taught you to read, write, speak, and sing…. We’ve prepared you for that dive.

But in reality, there isn’t a dive that sends you into the pool of adulthood. Growing up isn’t as sudden or as simple as that. It’s a life-long journey, and for the most part, you swim along just as you did in high school. But -- perhaps not unlike the way your heart sank when you bombed a test, or the way you cried when your friend betrayed you, or the way you tossed in bed wondering if your crush would ever be reciprocated -- you might sometimes feel as though you can’t swim fast enough, or the pool seems too long and too deep to navigate, or you lose your way and hit your head on the pool walls, and ouch, it hurts.

As you navigate the complex world of independence and adulthood, I’d like to share with you some of the lessons that I learned along the way. These lessons may or may not resonate with you – but I offer them to you anyways, with all my best wishes and best intentions.

I have learned to empathize more and judge less. Everyone has challenges of some kind – sometimes heartbreaking challenges – so judge people less, empathize with them more, and be kind, be kind, be kind.

I have learned that forgiveness is always better than anger. Forgiveness is liberating, but anger is imprisoning.

As the poet Jallaludin Rumi reminds us,

“Anger may taste sweet, but it kills.

Don’t become its victim.

You need humility to climb to freedom.”

I have learned that when we skin our knees on the sidewalks of life*, we bleed, whether we’re rich or poor, gay or straight, Jew or Christian, Hindu or Muslim, Black or White, Indian or Chinese. I hope that as you venture into a world where people define themselves by how they are different from others, often with violence and hatred, you will remember our common humanity.

I have learned that there is value in sticking things out: sticking out relationships, jobs, places, and projects. In a world with so much mobility and so many choices, this can be harder than it seems. Continuity and commitment, endurance and perseverance, or “grit”  -- to use the word of the day -- all matter. We need our roots as much as we need our wings.

I have learned that you’re never quite prepared for those moments when adversity hits – when the pool feels too deep and the currents too strong, when you feel as though you may drown, or worse, you yearn to drown, when you are hit with loss or betrayal or failure or terrifying fear. But, prepared or not, you have to keep swimming and stay strong. Don’t fall apart when life gets tough; be resilient and brave.

I have learned that it is important to nurture relationships – to make an effort with people you care about and people you work with. Stay close to your families, nurture your friendships, and cultivate your professional networks. Give gifts, attend your friends’ weddings (even if they’re far away and it’s inconvenient), go to their baby showers, be there for them when things go wrong, reach out often and stay in touch. In a globalized world where people are scattered everywhere, like raindrops, relationships may start to feel ephemeral and transient. Make the effort; you will be grateful for all those relationships – familial, personal, and professional -- down the road.

I have learned that it is important to cultivate your own intellectual life. Your mind is rich and wonderful – nourish it and care for it. Knowledge and imagination, books and ideas, can enrich and sustain you. Like fire and energy, like a bird in flight and a mountain climber scaling heights, the life of the mind is thrilling. Read widely, read deeply, and read often.

Take care of yourselves always.

Ms.T

* "when we skin our knees on the sidewalks of life, we bleed" - Taken from Billy Collins' wonderful poem "On Turning Ten."

Salman Khan's Lab School: Will it work?

I just read this really interesting article about Sal Khan's (of Khan academy fame) new lab school in California.

He's putting some of his ideas about contemporary education into practice:

• year-round school
• technological tools to teach reading and math so that kids can move at their own pace
• lots of data about each kid (everything is tracked)
• an emphasis on mastery of skills as opposed to just exposure
• and a school that functions more like a tech start-up than a traditional school -- as in kids have flexible schedules and more ownership over their time, and they get to work on "passion projects" of their own

As an educator who has been working in schools for close to two decades now, I'm fascinated. Will this experiment work? And what would it feel like to teach in this kind of a school? I love the commitment to mastery and experimentation. I think the school would be an exciting place.

BUT here are some of the questions I have:

- What is the consequence of learning from machines instead of humans? Can machines motivate better than human teachers? Or will there be something missing? 

- Are young kids really ready to pursue passion projects -- like starting an NGO -- or do they need time to grow up a bit before they can do this stuff in a way that will be fulfilling? Are we expecting novices to act like experts? Does that make sense?

- What do we give up (as teachers and as students) when we don't have long breaks away from school/work? I've always loved the academic schedule -- with a clear beginning of the year to start afresh, and a purposeful end to work towards. I've always loved summer vacations - that lack of structure and that get-a-way from the craziness and intensity of school. And I honestly think that the corporate world should incorporate the academic year schedule into their workplaces, as opposed to schools incorporating a corporate schedule.

- Is there such a thing as too much data on students? Schools and teachers are already so awash in data, and I wonder whether it's useful to have this much "objective" data about kids. As a teacher who works closely with kids, the data I like best, the data I find most useful, is not the kind of data one can track. It's what I learn from a conversation with a student in the hallway, or from the comment a student makes during discussion. It's what I learn when I watch a student in my classroom - when I watch her body language or notice the look in her eyes. It's what I learn when I engage in a casual conversation with a parent. It's the everyday stuff of human interactions. And that's what really allows me to get to know a child and build a relationship with him or her. And I would never want to put any of that stuff into an excel spreadsheet.

So, in conclusion, I'm fascinated but still a little skeptical. But I loved Sal Khan's book, The One World Schoolhouse, and I think he has some great ideas. Let's see how the school works out!

Getting Published!

So, my book, Beyond The Tiger Mom, is finally in print. I received my author's copies this afternoon! As I flipped through the pages and re-read those familiar words, I couldn't help reflecting on the long, drawn-out, and sometimes agonizing process of writing and publishing a book.

When I began the writing process, I envisioned going from idea to published book in a year, but it has taken far longer than that. In fact, the interviewing and writing stages were the easy parts -- at the time, I was consumed by the ideas that were floating around in my head, and I couldn't help but write them all down. I often fell asleep thinking about my book, and then woke up thinking about it too. I read voraciously. And I talked to myself a lot - turning ideas and reflections over in my mind.

But then came the hard part. Especially for an introvert like me.  I had to find an agent, then wait till she found me a publisher.

And then came the really hard -- the excruciating -- part. I had to work with an editor, who often had significantly different ideas about the book from me. "Who is your audience?" she demanded, and I weakly replied, "Well...people like me." She looked at me and declared, "Well, that's a very small market, isn't it." And then she cut out whole sections and chapters -- "they don't work for the audience we've defined, and anyways, these profiles, they're a bit bland," she added. Now that the process is over, I can look back and say that she was a wonderful editor because she was deeply invested in the book and she was honest. I still feel bad about some of those sections that were cut though - but perhaps the book is a little more focused now.

But that's not all. So after those agonizing months of editing, there's more. Who knew that authors have to send their manuscripts out to other authors and academics in search of endorsements (or book blurbs)? And who knew about things like galleys, proofs, and typesettings? And who knew how much anxiety and dread an author feels when the manuscript finally goes off to the printer?

The process took more than twice as long as I had anticipated. But it's done now. And I have a beautiful hard cover book with my name on it on my bookshelf.

And you can order it from Amazon if you'd like!

What really makes a great teacher?

So what really makes a great teacher? Last year, I asked my graduating class this question and their reply was interesting: great teachers are ones who care about students.

And this, to me, I think is the most important and rewarding part of teaching. Great teaching always happens in the context of a strong, supportive, and mutually respectful relationship. When a student knows that a teacher genuinely cares about his or her well-being and learning, then the student becomes deeply invested in the learning process. The more I think about it, the more I think that the teacher-student relationship is, in fact, the most essential pre-requisite for great teaching and deep learning.

I would add that the next essential element is a deep passion for one's subject matter and the teacher's own love of learning. If teachers are to inspire students, they need to be inspired themselves. They need to be scholars and model intellectual excitement for their students.

And finally, teachers need to work hard. Great teaching is very hard work. It's intellectually, emotionally, and even physically draining.

Increasingly, I find all the raging discussions about pedagogy somewhat irrelevant. Some great teachers are constructivist, others may use a more traditional approach. Some great teachers may run tightly ordered classroom with lots of rules, others may run more relaxed classrooms. Some great teachers may engage their students in lots of activities, others may choose more traditional lectures and discussions. Pedagogy, I think, is not so important because kids can learn in a wide range of ways, and great teaching can happen in many different forms.

However, what great teachers have in common are the following:
- They care about their students. And their students know it.
- They care about their subjects, and they demonstrate a deep love of learning themselves.
- They work hard. Very, very hard.

Exposure versus Mastery

1. You take your kids to the Science Center and show them an exhibit on the human body. They get to travel through a huge simulated digestive tract, and they see a wide range of colorful posters about the human body. They then watch a cool I-Max video about how the body works. They come out of the Science Center full of questions about the human body and brimming with excitement.

2. A child sits at a desk, deliberately and systematically studying how different systems in the body work. She fills out worksheets on the human body, studies diagrams, names parts, and memorizes a wide range of facts. The next day, she is tested at school on the information, and then again at the end of term, she restudies all the information for an exam.

A proponent of progressive education would instantly say that the first scenario is an example of good teaching/learning but the second is not. In the first scenario, kids are experiencing hands-on learning and they're getting excited about the topic. What they're getting is broad exposure to the topic.

However, a proponent of Asian-style traditional education would say that the second scenario is also a good example of teaching/learning because it is forcing a child to actually learn information with a goal towards mastery. In this case, kids will actually remember the information; it's not necessarily as fun, but it is as essential as the learning that occurs in the first scenario.

I would say that kids need both: they need broad, hands-on exposure to get them excited about learning, but they also need deliberate mastery-oriented study to ensure that the information they learn registers in their long-term memory.  The first scenario involves incidental learning resulting from exposure -- kids will pick up lots  of information, make connections to other things they know, and develop a desire to learn more about the topic. The second scenario involves deliberate studying with the goal of mastery -- kids will consolidate learning, they will learn key bits of information in a structured sequence, and they will remember it because of repeated study. The more I compare and contrast Eastern and Western approaches to education, the more I see that they differ because of their desire to either provide exciting exposure or offer mastery-oriented studying opportunities. The best option, I think, is to give kids both.

Content mastery versus Skills?

Last week on a trip to India, I was visiting a close friend's house. Her son, who is in the sixth grade at a local Indian school, was in the middle of his end-of-term exams. While I was sitting in the living room, I happened to see her son's Chemistry text book lying on the table, so I picked it up and flipped through it. It was packed with information -- and fairly sophisticated information at that. It had chapters on valency, the periodic table, elements and compounds and mixtures.

Honestly, the book scared me on a number of levels. To begin with, my mind automatically began comparing the volume and complexity of the information in the book to that of the PYP (Primary Years Program for the IB), which is the curriculum that my own kids use and that many international schools use. The PYP has interdisciplinary units that focus less on voluminous or complex content but more on skills and interdisciplinary connections.

As I was looking at the text book, dense with complex information, I wondered aloud whether it made sense for young kids to learn so much content. "When else will they have the time to learn all this stuff?" my friend responded. "When they're older and they specialize, they just won't have the time to gain a broad base of content. And, because they're tested on this stuff so frequently, they will actually remember it," she added.

In schools across Asia, including local schools in Singapore, kids engage in a content-rich curriculum where they memorize vast quantities of information. In contrast, more progressive Western schools devalue content in favor of "skills" such as research, presentation, speaking, group work, reading, writing and technology. Which approach works better? What's actually better for kids? And is there a perfect balance, a perfect middle ground that could combine the two?

My friend defended the content-rich approach in Indian schools saying that it gave kids the foundation and framework that they need to make sense of new information that they encounter. If a kid has a strong and wide knowledge base, he will be able to understand and appreciate new knowledge because he has a context for it. In contrast, kids who get very little content don't have this contextual framework. And, as she insisted, now's the time...when else will kids have the luxury of learning about everything from ancient Egypt to the way plants breathe to the properties of different elements?

Are interdisciplinary units that focus on project based learning, often with limited or superficial content, always the better way to go? Could students in IB schools benefit from more complex content and more traditional assessments? Is there a better way to combine a skills-focused interdisciplinary curriculum with a content-rich curriculum so that kids get both skills and content? I left my friend's house wondering about it.

And more book recommendations, particularly for reluctant readers

Here are some great books for reluctant readers, ages 9 to 12.  With male protagonists, these stories may be particularly appealing to boys. If your kids have already read the usual suspects -- the Harry Potter series, the Percy Jackson series -- then these are good books to keep them reading.

Wonder, by R.J.Pallacio

Transall Saga, by Gary Paulson

Shadow, by  Michael Morpugo

Land of Stories (series), by Chris Colfer

Frindle, by Andrew Clements

Axxis and the Golden Medallion, by Tim Murari

Detectives in Togas, by Henry Winterfeld

The City of Ember, by Jeanne Du Prau

The Giver, by Lois Lowry

Easier Reads:
And here are some easier reads for reluctant readers. These are great for kids ages 7 to 9, but also work well for older readers who need some easier reading material.

The Sherlock Sam series, by A.J. Loh

All About Sam, series by Lois Lowry

The Year of Billy Miller, by Kevin Henkes

The Chocolate Touch, by Patrick Catling

George and the Big Bang (series), by S. Hawking

I would also encourage kids to read non-fiction. If your child is not wild about fiction, find him/her some books about a subject that he/she is very interested in -- this could be anything from a book about great white sharks to Sachin Tendulkar's autobiography. The ideas is just to get your kids reading, one way or another!

Books with strong female protagonists, perfect for ages 7 to 12

Here are some of my favorite books for fluent/independent readers. These are all books that I read aloud to my two kids, and they work very well as read alouds.
I think they are fairly challenging reads for kids ages 7 to 9, but they should be quite manageable as independent reads for kids ages 10 and over.

If you're looking for a book with a strong female protagonist, all five of these books have one. They are great books for both boys and girls.

Charlotte's Web, by E.B. White

This is a wonderful classic that introduces young children to many deep and thought provoking ideas: the power of friendship, the cycles of life and death, the connection between humans and animals, and the idea of growing up. The narrative structure, vocabulary, and themes make it a rich reading experience for young kids.

Where The Mountain Meets the Moon, by Grace Lin

I read this book aloud to my children last year, and they both adored it. The book uses Chinese myths and folktales to weave a highly imaginative story about a young girl's quest to help her poor family. Over the course of her travels, she realizes that true treasures have little to do with money and more to do with love, family, and friendship. The book is a work of art on so many levels: it's beautifully written with vivid metaphors and rich language; it has some stunning illustrations; and it is moving and thoughtful.

Number the Stars, by Lois Lowry

This is a good introduction to World War 2 for young kids. Lois Lowry presents a compelling story about a young Danish girl whose family helps protect a Jewish family during the Nazi occupation of Denmark. Gentle, thought provoking, and well-written, the book will engage and educate young readers.

Flora and Ulysses, by Kate Di Camillo

A hilarious book about a superhero squirrel and a young, somewhat eccentric girl. The book had all of us in splits. In addition to the humor, the book examined a wide range of human emotions from fitting in to feeling abandoned.

Esperanza Rising, by Paula Munoz Ryan

A beautiful book about a wealthy, young Mexican girl who is forced to leave behind her wealth and escape to America, where she has to live as a migrant laborer. The book is great for teaching children about empathy, courage, and our common humanity. A beautifully crafted book, it will stretch young readers and help them develop their vocabulary.

Can Empathy Be Taught

Each of us in our own way can try to spread compassion into people’s hearts. Modern civilization places great importance on filling the human brain with knowledge, but no one seems to care about filling the human heart with compassion.Compassion is not religious, it is human. It is not a luxury, it is essential for our emotional and mental stability and for human peace and survival.

- Dalai Lama

Up until the last few years, I've always categorized "empathy, compassion, positive thinking, confidence, grit, and self-control" as personality traits. Personality traits are, by definition, habitual patterns of thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. When we think  of personality traits, we think of something innate, something that is hardwired in our genes.

However, in the last few years, I've started to think of these kinds of traits as "skills" that can be taught, learned, and practiced, in much the same way as academic skills. Given all the research on neuroplasticity, on cognitive behavioral therapy, and on value education, I think that parents and educators have a significant role to play in explicitly and deliberately teaching our young children these skills and helping them develop them as much as possible.

Now I'm not completely naive: I do know that our genes matter; in fact, they matter a lot. And I do know that our kids are born more or less predisposed to certain traits or skills. But that's true with math and reading, with spatial skills and artistic talent, and that has never stopped us from formally and deliberately educating our children in those realms. While a child who is born with a naturally volatile and impatient personality may find it harder to learn and master self-control, he can certainly be taught to improve in this realm, just as a child who is dyslexic can be taught to read.

So, if empathy, compassion, positivity, confidence, grit, and self-control can be deliberately taught, the natural question that arises is how? How do we teach these qualities in schools and at homes? Here are some interesting articles on experiments with value education: here's one from the NY Times, here's another from the NY Times with specific tips for parents, and here's an interesting one on the link between literary fiction and empathy.

And here are some recommendations culled from the research:

1. Make empathy and other character education a priority and think carefully about how to teach these skills as deliberately as possible. This, I think, is the key. It's about the mindset of parents and educators. When we start to value character education in the same way that we value academic education, then we'll devote time and energy to it.

2. Have conversations where you talk about these skills and what they entail. Explicit conversations and discussions are important.

3. Use stories -- oral stories, picture books, chapter books and adult literature are wonderful ways to get children to take on other perspectives, to consider someone else's feelings, to think about the importance of certain skills like confidence or positive thinking or empathy. Books like Wonder and To Kill A Mockingbird are perfect for teaching empathy.

4. Give children tools to help them monitor and control their own emotions: breathing exercises, simple self-soothing techniques like walk away for a moment or visualize something more positive, and help them understand what it means to be mindful. Research from positive psychology suggests that kids should focus on being grateful for what they have each day -- either by keeping a gratitude journal or even by just acknowledging all that they have to be grateful for at some point in the day.

4. Discuss the ideas of neuro-plasticity and a growth mindset with kids, so that they know that any skills -- whether we're talking about reading skills or empathy skills -- can be learnt and practiced. This will help kids deliberately practice these skills.

5. Seize those teaching moments when a child asks you a question or behaves in a certain way to teach the child these skills.

6. And most important, and perhaps most difficult, we adults need to model these skills for our children as much as we can. Perhaps we need to work on mastering them just as much as our children do.

While some schools in the US are experimenting with specific classes designed to teach skills such as empathy or positive thinking, I think that this approach might feel contrived to kids. I prefer these skills being integrated into all subjects at school and becoming part of the culture of the school and the home. Kids can learn empathy by reading and discussing literature in English class,  they can learn persistence and grit by struggling through a Math problem in math class, they can build empathy and confidence by competing (and perhaps losing) on the playing field, and they can build their sense of self by taking a healthy risk such as trying out for a play or a team.  I think the goal is not to separate these skills from the work that kids engage in everyday at school and at home but to make these important skills a part of this work as seamlessly as possible.

A Letter to My Students

I've been thinking so much about my UWC students who just graduated. They are such fantastic kids with so much potential, and I'm so sure that they will do wonderful things in the future.

Here's a letter I wrote to them before they graduated.

Life’s Lessons: A letter to my students

Graduations remind me of diving boards: parents and teachers become spectators, waiting to see each student jump, spring, and dive into “adulthood” and the “real world.” And we teachers believe, perhaps naively, that we’ve prepared you for the real world. We’ve given you formulas and algorithms, we’ve introduced you to Orwell and Bronte, we’ve taught you about wars and revolutions, we’ve taught you to read, write, speak, and sing…. We’ve prepared you for that dive.

But in reality, there isn’t a dive that sends you into the pool of adulthood. Growing up isn’t as sudden or as simple as that. It’s a life-long journey, and for the most part, you swim along just as you did in high school. But -- perhaps not unlike the way your heart sank when you bombed a test, or the way you cried when your friend betrayed you, or the way you tossed in bed wondering if your crush would ever be reciprocated -- you might sometimes feel as though you can’t swim fast enough, or the pool seems too long and too deep to navigate, or you lose your way and hit your head on the pool walls, and ouch, it hurts.

As you navigate the complex world of independence and adulthood, I’d like to share with you some of the lessons that I learned along the way. These lessons may or may not resonate with you – but I offer them to you anyways, with all my best wishes and best intentions.

I have learned to empathize more and judge less. Everyone has challenges of some kind – sometimes heartbreaking challenges – so judge people less, empathize with them more, and be kind, be kind, be kind.

I have learned that forgiveness is always better than anger. Forgiveness is liberating, but anger is imprisoning.

As the poet Jallaludin Rumi reminds us,

“Anger may taste sweet, but it kills.

Don’t become its victim.

You need humility to climb to freedom.”

I have learned that when we skin our knees on the sidewalks of life*, we bleed, whether we’re rich or poor, gay or straight, Jew or Christian, Hindu or Muslim, Black or White, Indian or Chinese. I hope that as you venture into a world where people define themselves by how they are different from others, often with violence and hatred, you will remember our common humanity.

I have learned that there is value in sticking things out: sticking out relationships, jobs, places, and projects. In a world with so much mobility and so many choices, this can be harder than it seems. Continuity and commitment, endurance and perseverance, or “grit”  -- to use the word of the day -- all matter. We need our roots as much as we need our wings.

I have learned that you’re never quite prepared for those moments when adversity hits – when the pool feels too deep and the currents too strong, when you feel as though you may drown, or worse, you yearn to drown, when you are hit with loss or betrayal or failure or terrifying fear. But, prepared or not, you have to keep swimming and stay strong. Don’t fall apart when life gets tough; be resilient and brave.

I have learned that it is important to nurture relationships – to make an effort with people you care about and people you work with. Stay close to your families, nurture your friendships, and cultivate your professional networks. Give gifts, attend your friends’ weddings (even if they’re far away and it’s inconvenient), go to their baby showers, be there for them when things go wrong, reach out often and stay in touch. In a globalized world where people are scattered everywhere, like raindrops, relationships may start to feel ephemeral and transient. Make the effort; you will be grateful for all those relationships – familial, personal, and professional -- down the road.

I have learned that it is important to cultivate your own intellectual life. Your mind is rich and wonderful – nourish it and care for it. Knowledge and imagination, books and ideas, can enrich and sustain you. Like fire and energy, like a bird in flight and a mountain climber scaling heights, the life of the mind is thrilling. Read widely, read deeply, and read often.

Take care of yourselves always.

Ms.T

* "when we skin our knees on the sidewalks of life, we bleed" - Taken from Billy Collins' wonderful poem "On Turning Ten."